diff --git a/functions/__fish_help_header.fish b/functions/__fish_help_header.fish
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..68920be
--- /dev/null
+++ b/functions/__fish_help_header.fish
@@ -0,0 +1,141 @@
+# Copyright (C) 2026 Rootiest
+# SPDX-License-Identifier: AGPL-3.0-or-later
+
+# SYNOPSIS
+#    __fish_help_header <name> [args...]
+#
+# DESCRIPTION
+#    Prints <name>'s man-page comment header as a help menu on stdout.
+#    Intended as the first statement of a user-facing function's body:
+#
+#        __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+#
+#    Returns 1 -- printing nothing -- ONLY when args[1] is not a help flag.
+#    Every other outcome, including an unreadable or headerless source
+#    file, prints something and returns 0. That asymmetry is load-bearing:
+#    a return of 1 means "run the real body", and the real body of upgrade
+#    is `paru -Syu --noconfirm`. A parse failure must never return 1.
+#
+#    Only args[1] is inspected, never the whole list. wake-lock, bkg,
+#    split and spwin take a command to run as their arguments, so
+#    scanning all of $argv would make `wake-lock rsync --help` print
+#    wake-lock's own help instead of running rsync.
+#
+#    The header is read from the caller's source at call time rather than
+#    from the generated manual, so it cannot go stale between a header
+#    edit and a docs rebuild.
+#
+# ARGUMENTS
+#    name      The calling function's name, from (status current-function)
+#    args...   The caller's $argv, forwarded verbatim
+#
+# EXIT STATUS
+#    0  Help was printed, including the degraded fallback
+#    1  args[1] is not -h/--help; the caller should carry on
+#
+# EXAMPLE
+#    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+#
+# NOTES
+#    Section labels are those of the manual SSOT parser in
+#    docs/manualtools.py. CATEGORY, COMPONENT and DEPENDENCIES are build
+#    metadata and are suppressed; SYNOPSIS renders as USAGE and EXAMPLE as
+#    EXAMPLES.
+function __fish_help_header --argument-names name
+    # First argument only -- see DESCRIPTION.
+    contains -- "$argv[2]" -h --help; or return 1
+
+    set -l c_ttl (set_color --bold)
+    set -l c_sec (set_color --bold brblue)
+    set -l c_rst (set_color normal)
+    set -l miss "  No documentation header found. Try: help config $name"
+
+    set -l file (functions -D -- $name 2>/dev/null)
+    if not test -f "$file"
+        # Quoted: set_color yields an EMPTY LIST under TERM=dumb, and an
+        # unquoted empty list in a concatenation annihilates the whole
+        # word -- the title line would silently vanish wherever colour is
+        # off, which is exactly where a test would be reading it.
+        echo "$c_ttl$name$c_rst"
+        echo $miss
+        return 0
+    end
+
+    # Collect the contiguous comment run directly above `function <name>`,
+    # walking backwards. This resolves multi-header files (fish-deps, gi,
+    # y) without reimplementing manualtools._block_identity, and is more
+    # accurate at runtime: in dops.fish it finds the header above
+    # `function docker` rather than attributing it to the file stem.
+    # One blank separator line is tolerated -- sponge_filter_secrets.fish
+    # is the only file that has one, and JOB-BRIEF-FINDINGS.md records it
+    # so this skip is not mistaken for dead code.
+    set -l lines (string split \n -- (command cat $file))
+    set -l pat '^\s*function\s+'(string escape --style=regex -- $name)'(\s|$)'
+    set -l start 0
+    for i in (seq (count $lines))
+        if string match -qr -- $pat $lines[$i]
+            set start $i
+            break
+        end
+    end
+
+    set -l header
+    if test $start -gt 1
+        set -l j (math $start - 1)
+        if test -z (string trim -- "$lines[$j]")
+            set j (math $j - 1)
+        end
+        while test $j -ge 1; and string match -q '#*' -- $lines[$j]
+            set -p header $lines[$j]
+            set j (math $j - 1)
+        end
+    end
+
+    # Render. Comment lines before the first `# LABEL` -- the copyright
+    # preamble -- carry no label and are dropped, matching
+    # manualtools._header_blocks.
+    set -l skip CATEGORY COMPONENT DEPENDENCIES
+    set -l label ""
+    set -l out
+    for line in $header
+        set -l m (string match -r -- '^#\s+([A-Z][A-Z ]*[A-Z])\s*$' $line)
+        if set -q m[2]
+            set label $m[2]
+            contains -- $label $skip; and continue
+            set -l shown (string replace SYNOPSIS USAGE -- $label)
+            set shown (string replace EXAMPLE EXAMPLES -- $shown)
+            # One blank line before a heading, never two: the header's own
+            # `#` separator has usually already emitted one.
+            if set -q out[1]; and test -n (string trim -- "$out[-1]")
+                set -a out ""
+            end
+            set -a out "$c_sec$shown$c_rst"
+            continue
+        end
+        test -n "$label"; or continue
+        contains -- $label $skip; and continue
+        set -l body (string sub -s 2 -- $line)
+        if string match -q '   *' -- $body
+            set -a out "  "(string sub -s 4 -- $body)
+        else
+            set -a out (string trim -- $body)
+        end
+    end
+
+    # Trim the trailing blank separator, mirroring
+    # manualtools._trailing_blanks.
+    while set -q out[-1]; and test -z (string trim -- "$out[-1]")
+        set -e out[-1]
+    end
+
+    echo "$c_ttl$name$c_rst"
+    if test (count $out) -eq 0
+        echo $miss
+    else
+        # out[1] is always a heading -- a body line cannot precede the
+        # first label -- so this blank is never doubled.
+        echo ""
+        printf '%s\n' $out
+    end
+    return 0
+end
diff --git a/functions/bd-pull.fish b/functions/bd-pull.fish
index 87b60de..0def40d 100644
--- a/functions/bd-pull.fish
+++ b/functions/bd-pull.fish
@@ -23,6 +23,8 @@
 #   bd-pull myuser/myproject
 #   bd-pull rootiest/fish-config
 function bd-pull --description 'Pull new Gitea issues into local Beads and link them'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if not set -q argv[1]; echo "Need repo owner/name"; return 1; end
     if not set -q GITEA_TOKEN; echo "\$GITEA_TOKEN not set"; return 1; end
 
diff --git a/functions/bkg.fish b/functions/bkg.fish
index 4cd5f03..517dd27 100644
--- a/functions/bkg.fish
+++ b/functions/bkg.fish
@@ -23,6 +23,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   bkg firefox
 function bkg --description 'Execute bkg'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Check if a command was provided as an argument.
     if test -z "$argv[1]"
         set -l c_head (set_color --bold cyan)
diff --git a/functions/branch.fish b/functions/branch.fish
index 836320d..6143685 100644
--- a/functions/branch.fish
+++ b/functions/branch.fish
@@ -21,6 +21,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   branch feature/new-ui
 function branch --description 'Switch to or create a git branch'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if not git rev-parse --is-inside-work-tree >/dev/null 2>&1
         echo "Not a git repo."
         return 1
diff --git a/functions/check_fish_deps.fish b/functions/check_fish_deps.fish
index 9bae21b..fd24581 100644
--- a/functions/check_fish_deps.fish
+++ b/functions/check_fish_deps.fish
@@ -14,5 +14,7 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   check_fish_deps
 function check_fish_deps --description 'Check all fish-related dependencies'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     fish-deps status
 end
diff --git a/functions/claude-docs.fish b/functions/claude-docs.fish
index a4979b5..1d7717b 100644
--- a/functions/claude-docs.fish
+++ b/functions/claude-docs.fish
@@ -15,5 +15,7 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   claude-docs
 function claude-docs --description 'Claude-code: Sync README with recent changes'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     claude "Analyze the recent changes and update the README.md to ensure all features, setup instructions, and examples are 100% accurate. Prune any obsolete information."
 end
diff --git a/functions/claude-pr.fish b/functions/claude-pr.fish
index 507d753..d38f36e 100644
--- a/functions/claude-pr.fish
+++ b/functions/claude-pr.fish
@@ -15,5 +15,7 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   claude-pr
 function claude-pr --description 'Claude-code: New branch, commit, push, and PR'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     claude "Act as a senior engineer. Execute this sequence: 1. Create a new git branch (kebab-case). 2. Stage changes and write a Conventional Commit message. 3. Self-verify the changes by running relevant build/test commands or linting. 4. Push to remote. 5. Create a PR to 'main' including a summary of changes and a 'Manual Verification' section containing a Markdown checklist (- [ ]) of specific, bite-sized steps required to manually verify the functionality."
 end
diff --git a/functions/cleanup.fish b/functions/cleanup.fish
index eaa30db..b908ee7 100644
--- a/functions/cleanup.fish
+++ b/functions/cleanup.fish
@@ -14,6 +14,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   cleanup
 function cleanup --description 'Log orphans to ~/.removed_orphans and remove them'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     set -l orphans (pacman -Qtdq)
     if test -n "$orphans"
         echo "📝 Logging orphans to ~/.removed_orphans..."
diff --git a/functions/fast.fish b/functions/fast.fish
index 5cc0dfe..7fec3cb 100644
--- a/functions/fast.fish
+++ b/functions/fast.fish
@@ -36,6 +36,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   fast
 function fast --description 'Placeholder for future fast utility'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # ANSI Escape Codes (Standard 16-color palette)
     set -l bold "\e[1m"
     set -l italic "\e[3m"
diff --git a/functions/fc.fish b/functions/fc.fish
index 5abb0a1..a65e230 100644
--- a/functions/fc.fish
+++ b/functions/fc.fish
@@ -24,6 +24,8 @@
 #   fc
 #   fc git
 function fc --description 'Edit and execute the last command (Bash-style fc)'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     set -l tmpfile (mktemp /tmp/fish_fc.XXXXXX).fish
 
     if count $argv >/dev/null
diff --git a/functions/fish-deps.fish b/functions/fish-deps.fish
index bf9839e..1e244ab 100644
--- a/functions/fish-deps.fish
+++ b/functions/fish-deps.fish
@@ -66,6 +66,13 @@ function fish-deps --description 'Manage fish shell dependencies'
             _fish_deps_status
         case install
             _fish_deps_install $flags
+        case -h --help
+            # Reuse the existing menu rather than the header renderer: it
+            # is richer, and it is already the text the unknown-subcommand
+            # path prints. Previously --help fell into `case '*'` and
+            # exited 1 with "Unknown subcommand: --help".
+            __fish_deps_help
+            return 0
         case update
             _fish_deps_update
         case sync
diff --git a/functions/fzf-update.fish b/functions/fzf-update.fish
index 1a403ed..5297dc8 100644
--- a/functions/fzf-update.fish
+++ b/functions/fzf-update.fish
@@ -14,6 +14,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   fzf-update
 function fzf-update --description 'Install or upgrade fzf from git HEAD'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if test -d ~/.fzf
         echo "Updating fzf..."
         git -C ~/.fzf pull --ff-only
diff --git a/functions/gip.fish b/functions/gip.fish
index 19cbd91..cc73b11 100644
--- a/functions/gip.fish
+++ b/functions/gip.fish
@@ -14,6 +14,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   gip
 function gip --description 'Show all public IP addresses'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     echo -n "IPv4: "
     curl -4 -s --max-time 2 https://icanhazip.com || echo "Not detected"
     echo -n "IPv6: "
diff --git a/functions/gip4.fish b/functions/gip4.fish
index 9a71d1f..5431be4 100644
--- a/functions/gip4.fish
+++ b/functions/gip4.fish
@@ -13,5 +13,7 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   gip4
 function gip4 --wraps='curl' --description 'Get public IPv4 address'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     curl -4 -s https://icanhazip.com
 end
diff --git a/functions/gip6.fish b/functions/gip6.fish
index 735ffc6..52ca05c 100644
--- a/functions/gip6.fish
+++ b/functions/gip6.fish
@@ -21,6 +21,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   gip6
 function gip6 --description 'Get public IPv6 address'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Use -6 to force IPv6 and --fail to catch network errors
     set -l ip (curl -6 -s --fail https://icanhazip.com 2>/dev/null)
     
diff --git a/functions/hist.fish b/functions/hist.fish
index b21c97c..4536efa 100644
--- a/functions/hist.fish
+++ b/functions/hist.fish
@@ -17,6 +17,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   hist
 function hist --description 'Search fish history and put it in the prompt'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Opinionated guard (C4): integrations disabled
     if not __fish_config_op_enabled (status current-function)
         set -l c_err (set_color red)
diff --git a/functions/lD.fish b/functions/lD.fish
index 10ee313..9849199 100644
--- a/functions/lD.fish
+++ b/functions/lD.fish
@@ -17,6 +17,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   lD ~/projects
 function lD --description 'List directories only'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if which eza >/dev/null 2>&1
         eza --only-dirs --long --icons --color=auto --hyperlink $argv
     else if which lsd >/dev/null 2>&1
diff --git a/functions/ld.fish b/functions/ld.fish
index 5bc6b4a..4baa58e 100644
--- a/functions/ld.fish
+++ b/functions/ld.fish
@@ -17,6 +17,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   ld
 function ld --description 'Run lazydocker on the current Docker context'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if not type -q docker
         echo "ld: docker is not installed" >&2
         return 1
diff --git a/functions/limine-edit.fish b/functions/limine-edit.fish
index f22a652..9f3b502 100644
--- a/functions/limine-edit.fish
+++ b/functions/limine-edit.fish
@@ -16,6 +16,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   limine-edit
 function limine-edit --description 'Safely edit and re-verify Limine configuration'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # 1. Open the config with sudoedit
     sudoedit /boot/limine.conf
 
diff --git a/functions/lock.fish b/functions/lock.fish
index c1e61bc..302d29d 100644
--- a/functions/lock.fish
+++ b/functions/lock.fish
@@ -13,5 +13,7 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   lock
 function lock --wraps='loginctl' --description 'alias lock=loginctl'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     loginctl lock-session
 end
diff --git a/functions/lsr.fish b/functions/lsr.fish
index 344530d..d680556 100644
--- a/functions/lsr.fish
+++ b/functions/lsr.fish
@@ -17,6 +17,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   lsr ~/projects
 function lsr --description 'Reversed time-sorted listing'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if which eza >/dev/null 2>&1
         eza --oneline --sort=modified --reverse --icons --color=auto --hyperlink $argv
     else if which lsd >/dev/null 2>&1
diff --git a/functions/lss.fish b/functions/lss.fish
index 9973905..d0d09a8 100644
--- a/functions/lss.fish
+++ b/functions/lss.fish
@@ -17,6 +17,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   lss ~/downloads
 function lss --description 'Size-sorted listing'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if which eza >/dev/null 2>&1
         eza --oneline --long --all --sort=size --icons --color=auto --hyperlink --color-scale=size --color-scale-mode=gradient $argv
     else if which lsd >/dev/null 2>&1
diff --git a/functions/lstree.fish b/functions/lstree.fish
index 49993ea..7c1be9f 100644
--- a/functions/lstree.fish
+++ b/functions/lstree.fish
@@ -17,6 +17,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   lstree ~/projects/myapp
 function lstree --description 'Full recursive tree listing'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if which eza >/dev/null 2>&1
         eza --tree --icons --color=auto --hyperlink=auto $argv
     else if which lsd >/dev/null 2>&1
diff --git a/functions/lt.fish b/functions/lt.fish
index 6e0fcfe..b16a526 100644
--- a/functions/lt.fish
+++ b/functions/lt.fish
@@ -17,6 +17,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   lt ~/projects
 function lt --description 'Tree listing, depth 2'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if which eza >/dev/null 2>&1
         eza --tree --level=2 --icons --color=auto --hyperlink $argv
     else if which lsd >/dev/null 2>&1
diff --git a/functions/ltr.fish b/functions/ltr.fish
index 11e80ab..35d6910 100644
--- a/functions/ltr.fish
+++ b/functions/ltr.fish
@@ -18,6 +18,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   ltr ~/projects
 function ltr --description 'Reversed time-sorted listing'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if which eza >/dev/null 2>&1
         eza --long --all --sort=modified --icons --hyperlink --color=auto --color-scale=age --color-scale-mode=gradient $argv
     else if which lsd >/dev/null 2>&1
diff --git a/functions/lx.fish b/functions/lx.fish
index 663be39..f467d11 100644
--- a/functions/lx.fish
+++ b/functions/lx.fish
@@ -17,6 +17,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   lx ~/projects
 function lx --description 'Extension-sorted listing'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if which eza >/dev/null 2>&1
         eza --long --all --sort=extension --icons --color=auto --hyperlink $argv
     else if which lsd >/dev/null 2>&1
diff --git a/functions/parur.fish b/functions/parur.fish
index 62a65e1..6f6f92c 100644
--- a/functions/parur.fish
+++ b/functions/parur.fish
@@ -19,6 +19,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   parur
 function parur --description 'Interactively search and remove an installed package using fzf'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     set -l aur ""
     if type -q paru
         set aur paru
diff --git a/functions/poke.fish b/functions/poke.fish
index 8cff1c5..ea9bd59 100644
--- a/functions/poke.fish
+++ b/functions/poke.fish
@@ -21,6 +21,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   poke ~/projects/new/src/main.fish
 function poke --description 'touch with automatic parent directory creation'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if test (count $argv) -eq 0
         echo (set_color red)"poke: no file specified"(set_color normal) >&2
         return 1
diff --git a/functions/ports.fish b/functions/ports.fish
index 19c0e57..6836c2c 100644
--- a/functions/ports.fish
+++ b/functions/ports.fish
@@ -14,5 +14,7 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   ports
 function ports --wraps='sudo' --description 'Show active network listeners'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     sudo lsof -iTCP -sTCP:LISTEN -P -n
 end
diff --git a/functions/qr.fish b/functions/qr.fish
index 804ded5..50af5d7 100644
--- a/functions/qr.fish
+++ b/functions/qr.fish
@@ -19,6 +19,8 @@
 #   qr "https://example.com"
 #   echo "hello" | qr
 function qr --description 'Generate a QR code from text or pipe'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if type -q qrencode
         if set -q argv[1]
             echo $argv | qrencode -t utf8
diff --git a/functions/sbver.fish b/functions/sbver.fish
index b9a807d..87d7965 100644
--- a/functions/sbver.fish
+++ b/functions/sbver.fish
@@ -24,6 +24,8 @@
 #   sbver
 #   sbver --brief
 function sbver --description 'Verifies Secure Boot status of EFI binaries using sbctl'
+  __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
   if not type -q sbctl
     echo "Error: 'sbctl' is not installed."
     return 1
diff --git a/functions/screensleep.fish b/functions/screensleep.fish
index 452ff9e..0bb4442 100644
--- a/functions/screensleep.fish
+++ b/functions/screensleep.fish
@@ -14,6 +14,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   screensleep
 function screensleep --description 'Turn off the display using KDE PowerDevil'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Optional: 1-second delay to ensure no keystrokes wake it immediately
     sleep 1
     busctl --user call \
diff --git a/functions/split.fish b/functions/split.fish
index 618b42a..32b2695 100644
--- a/functions/split.fish
+++ b/functions/split.fish
@@ -29,6 +29,10 @@
 #   split
 #   split -v nvim README.md
 function split --description 'Run a command in a new terminal split'
+    # -h is --horizontal here (see this function's own ARGUMENTS),
+    # so only the long form may reach the renderer.
+    test "$argv[1]" = --help; and __fish_help_header (status current-function) --help; and return 0
+
     # Opinionated guard (C4): integrations disabled
     if not __fish_config_op_enabled (status current-function)
         set -l c_err (set_color red)
diff --git a/functions/spwin.fish b/functions/spwin.fish
index 18fb036..9068790 100644
--- a/functions/spwin.fish
+++ b/functions/spwin.fish
@@ -24,6 +24,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   spwin
 function spwin --wraps='~/.config/kitty/spawn-window.sh' --description 'spawn window in kitty or wezterm'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Opinionated guard (C4): integrations disabled
     if not __fish_config_op_enabled (status current-function)
         set -l c_err (set_color red)
diff --git a/functions/steam-dl.fish b/functions/steam-dl.fish
index 3c4395d..7c7ab1c 100644
--- a/functions/steam-dl.fish
+++ b/functions/steam-dl.fish
@@ -14,6 +14,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   steam-dl
 function steam-dl --description 'Run Steam while inhibiting system sleep'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     echo "Inhibiting sleep while Steam downloads..."
     systemd-inhibit --why="Active Download" --who="User" --what=idle:sleep steam
 end
diff --git a/functions/sudo-toggle.fish b/functions/sudo-toggle.fish
index e46547f..c218e98 100644
--- a/functions/sudo-toggle.fish
+++ b/functions/sudo-toggle.fish
@@ -19,6 +19,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   sudo-toggle
 function sudo-toggle --description 'Toggle sudo password requirement on/off'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Check the file size using sudo stat to see if our bypass rule is active
     set -l file_size (sudo stat -c %s /etc/sudoers.d/nofail-toggle 2>/dev/null)
     
diff --git a/functions/swapstat.fish b/functions/swapstat.fish
index 55a26fe..f379d4c 100644
--- a/functions/swapstat.fish
+++ b/functions/swapstat.fish
@@ -15,6 +15,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   swapstat
 function swapstat --description 'View colorized zRAM and swappiness status'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     set -l swappiness (sysctl -n vm.swappiness)
     set -l zdata (zramctl --bytes --noheadings --output DATA,TOTAL /dev/zram0 2>/dev/null)
     
diff --git a/functions/tab.fish b/functions/tab.fish
index 6cb9c21..6590dce 100644
--- a/functions/tab.fish
+++ b/functions/tab.fish
@@ -25,6 +25,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   tab
 function tab --description 'Spawn a new tab in the current terminal'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Opinionated guard (C4): integrations disabled
     if not __fish_config_op_enabled (status current-function)
         set -l c_err (set_color red)
diff --git a/functions/tmux-clean.fish b/functions/tmux-clean.fish
index cf775c4..c31765e 100644
--- a/functions/tmux-clean.fish
+++ b/functions/tmux-clean.fish
@@ -14,6 +14,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   tmux-clean
 function tmux-clean --description 'Kill all tmux sessions except the current one'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Get a list of all session names that are NOT currently attached
     set sessions (tmux list-sessions -F '#{session_name} #{session_attached}' | string match -rv ' 1$' | string split -f1 ' ')
 
diff --git a/functions/upgrade.fish b/functions/upgrade.fish
index 68702bb..20d2fc9 100644
--- a/functions/upgrade.fish
+++ b/functions/upgrade.fish
@@ -21,6 +21,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   upgrade
 function upgrade --description 'Full system upgrade via paru or yay'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     # Opinionated guard (C4): integrations disabled
     if not __fish_config_op_enabled (status current-function)
         set -l c_err (set_color red)
diff --git a/functions/wake-lock.fish b/functions/wake-lock.fish
index 053556e..1c55ee8 100644
--- a/functions/wake-lock.fish
+++ b/functions/wake-lock.fish
@@ -22,6 +22,8 @@
 # EXAMPLE
 #   wake-lock rsync -avz src/ dest/
 function wake-lock --description 'Run a command while inhibiting system sleep'
+    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0
+
     if test (count $argv) -eq 0
         set -l c_head (set_color --bold cyan)
         set -l c_cmd (set_color --bold)
diff --git a/tests/test-help.fish b/tests/test-help.fish
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..68ed662
--- /dev/null
+++ b/tests/test-help.fish
@@ -0,0 +1,282 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env fish
+# Copyright (C) 2026 Rootiest
+# SPDX-License-Identifier: AGPL-3.0-or-later
+#
+# Coverage for the header-driven --help renderer (__fish_help_header) and
+# the repo-wide rule that every user-facing function handles -h/--help.
+#
+# Runs isolated (no `# MODE:` marker): every case spawns its own --no-config
+# fish with an explicit fish_function_path, so none of it needs a loaded
+# session -- only $repo_root/functions (or a throwaway fixture dir) on the
+# child's function path.
+
+source (realpath (dirname (status filename)))/lib.fish
+
+# Helper: run `<fn> $argv` in a throwaway fish that can see both $dir and
+# this repo's real functions/, so a fixture function can call the real
+# __fish_help_header. $dir is always mktemp -d output, never spaced.
+function _help_probe --argument-names dir
+    env TERM=dumb fish --no-config -c \
+        "set -g fish_function_path $dir $repo_root/functions; $argv[2..]"
+end
+
+function test_help_renderer
+    set -l tmp (mktemp -d)
+    printf '%s\n' \
+        '# Copyright (C) 2026 Rootiest' \
+        '' \
+        '# CATEGORY' \
+        '#   99-fixture' \
+        '#' \
+        '# SYNOPSIS' \
+        '#   fixturefn [options]' \
+        '#' \
+        '# DESCRIPTION' \
+        '#   First paragraph.' \
+        '#' \
+        '#   Second paragraph.' \
+        '#' \
+        '# ARGUMENTS' \
+        '#   -x        Do the thing' \
+        '#       more  Indented continuation' \
+        '#' \
+        '# EXAMPLE' \
+        '#   fixturefn -x' \
+        'function fixturefn' \
+        '    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0' \
+        '    echo RAN-BODY' \
+        'end' >$tmp/fixturefn.fish
+
+    set -l out (_help_probe $tmp 'fixturefn --help')
+    set -l code $status
+    set -l text (string join \n $out)
+    rm -rf $tmp
+
+    set -l failed 0
+    if test $code -ne 0
+        echo "    renderer exited $code, expected 0"
+        set failed 1
+    end
+    if contains -- RAN-BODY $out
+        echo "    body executed despite --help"
+        set failed 1
+    end
+    if not contains -- USAGE $out
+        echo "    missing USAGE heading (SYNOPSIS should render as USAGE)"
+        set failed 1
+    end
+    if contains -- CATEGORY $out
+        echo "    CATEGORY leaked into the menu"
+        set failed 1
+    end
+    if not string match -q '*      more  Indented continuation*' -- $text
+        echo "    nested ARGUMENTS indentation lost"
+        set failed 1
+    end
+    # Index-based, not a glob: fish's `string match` glob `*` does not
+    # span newlines, so a pattern straddling two lines silently never
+    # matches and the assertion would pass for the wrong reason.
+    set -l i (contains -i -- "  First paragraph." $out)
+    if test -z "$i"
+        echo "    DESCRIPTION body missing entirely"
+        set failed 1
+    else
+        # Indices hoisted: a command substitution inside a quoted index
+        # ("$out[(math ...)]") is a fish parse error, not an expansion.
+        set -l gap (math $i + 1)
+        set -l nxt (math $i + 2)
+        if test -n "$out[$gap]"
+            echo "    multi-paragraph DESCRIPTION lost its blank line"
+            set failed 1
+        else if test "$out[$nxt]" != "  Second paragraph."
+            echo "    second paragraph missing after the blank"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+    end
+    test $failed -eq 0
+end
+
+function test_help_renderer_degrades_safely
+    # The renderer must return 1 ONLY when argv[1] is not a help flag.
+    # A missing or label-less header must still print and exit 0, because
+    # returning 1 hands control back to the caller's body -- and the body
+    # of upgrade(1) is `paru -Syu --noconfirm`.
+    set -l tmp (mktemp -d)
+    printf '%s\n' \
+        'function headerless' \
+        '    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0' \
+        "    touch $tmp/BODY-RAN" \
+        'end' >$tmp/headerless.fish
+    # A comment run carrying no `# LABEL` line at all.
+    printf '%s\n' \
+        '# just an ordinary comment, no labels here' \
+        'function malformed' \
+        '    __fish_help_header (status current-function) $argv; and return 0' \
+        "    touch $tmp/BODY-RAN" \
+        'end' >$tmp/malformed.fish
+
+    set -l failed 0
+    for fn in headerless malformed
+        set -l out (_help_probe $tmp "$fn --help")
+        set -l code $status
+        if test $code -ne 0
+            echo "    $fn --help exited $code, expected 0"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+        if test (count $out) -eq 0
+            echo "    $fn --help printed nothing"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+        if not contains -- $fn $out
+            echo "    $fn --help did not name the function"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+        if test -e $tmp/BODY-RAN
+            echo "    $fn executed its body despite --help"
+            set failed 1
+            rm -f $tmp/BODY-RAN
+        end
+    end
+
+    # The inverse: no help flag must return 1 and let the body run.
+    _help_probe $tmp headerless >/dev/null 2>&1
+    if not test -e $tmp/BODY-RAN
+        echo "    body did NOT run when no help flag was passed"
+        set failed 1
+    end
+
+    rm -rf $tmp
+    # Explicit, never a trailing `if`: standing gotcha #5 -- an if with no
+    # branch taken resolves $status to 0 and the test would pass silently.
+    test $failed -eq 0
+end
+
+function test_help_never_executes_destructive_path
+    # These eight ignore $argv entirely, so before the header-driven help
+    # landed, `upgrade --help` ran `paru -Syu --noconfirm`. The check has
+    # to prove --help does NOT reach the destructive path *without* ever
+    # running it: every external binary the eight can reach is shadowed by
+    # a recording stub on PATH, and the recorder must stay empty.
+    #
+    # WARNING: a silent pass here means a MISSING STUB, not success. If a
+    # function shows neither an EXECUTED line nor its own help, its
+    # command is absent from the stub list below -- add it. A test that
+    # cannot fail proves nothing about a body that runs sudo pacman -Rns.
+    set -l tmp (mktemp -d)
+    mkdir -p $tmp/bin
+    set -l log $tmp/invoked.log
+    touch $log
+
+    for b in sudo pacman paru yay loginctl busctl tmux systemd-inhibit \
+        sudoedit limine-enroll-config limine-mkinitcpio sbctl git fzf steam
+        printf '#!/bin/sh\necho "$(basename "$0") $*" >> %s\n' $log >$tmp/bin/$b
+        chmod +x $tmp/bin/$b
+    end
+
+    set -l failed 0
+    for fn in cleanup fzf-update limine-edit lock screensleep sudo-toggle \
+        tmux-clean upgrade
+        set -l out (env TERM=dumb PATH="$tmp/bin:$PATH" HOME=$tmp \
+            fish --no-config -c \
+            "set -g fish_function_path $repo_root/functions; $fn --help" 2>/dev/null)
+        set -l code $status
+
+        if test $code -ne 0
+            echo "    $fn --help exited $code, expected 0"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+        if not contains -- $fn $out
+            echo "    $fn --help did not print its own help"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+        set -l ran (string trim -- (command cat $log))
+        if test -n "$ran"
+            echo "    $fn --help EXECUTED: $ran"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+        echo -n "" >$log
+    end
+
+    rm -rf $tmp
+    test $failed -eq 0
+end
+
+# Functions published in the manual that are exempt from the -h/--help
+# rule. Rationale per entry: AGENTS/specs/2026-09-07-header-driven-help-design.md
+# §4. This array is the ONLY machine-readable copy of the exempt set.
+#
+# EXEMPT-A -- shadows a same-named binary, or forwards $argv to one named
+# tool that owns its own --help. Intercepting would hide that tool's help,
+# and for the C1-guarded shadows it also breaks the disabled-fallback
+# contract, where the bare tool is supposed to answer.
+set -g __help_exempt \
+    agy antigravity-ide bash cat cdi cffetch cheat claude clone clonet \
+    config-toggle copy docker du dusize fast-cli ffetch gitui gitup jr \
+    joplin less ls mkdir mv paste ping rawfish rg rm search ssh top \
+    view yt-dlp
+# EXEMPT-B -- invoked by fish, never typed by a user.
+set -a __help_exempt fish_prompt fish_right_prompt fish_mode_prompt \
+    sponge_filter_secrets
+
+function test_every_user_facing_function_has_help
+    set -l failed 0
+    set -l published
+
+    for f in $repo_root/functions/*.fish
+        set -l lines (string split \n -- (command cat $f))
+        # Published == carries a `# CATEGORY` block, matching
+        # manualtools.parse_functions.
+        contains -- "# CATEGORY" (string trim -- $lines); or continue
+        # Resolve the real defined name; the file stem can disagree with it
+        # (formerly dops.fish defined `docker` -- see JOB-BRIEF-FINDINGS.md
+        # §1, fixed by splitting it into dops.fish and docker.fish).
+        set -l name (string match -rg '^\s*function\s+(\S+)' -- $lines)[1]
+        test -n "$name"; or continue
+        set name (string trim -c "'\"" -- $name)
+        string match -q '_*' -- $name; and continue
+        set -a published $name
+
+        contains -- $name $__help_exempt; and continue
+
+        # Body == everything from the `function` line down, comment lines
+        # dropped, so a header that merely mentions --help cannot pass.
+        set -l body
+        set -l in_body 0
+        for l in $lines
+            test $in_body -eq 1; or string match -qr '^\s*function\s' -- $l; and set in_body 1
+            test $in_body -eq 1; or continue
+            string match -qr '^\s*#' -- $l; and continue
+            set -a body $l
+        end
+        if not string match -qr -- '__fish_help_header|_flag_help|h/help|--help' \
+                (string join \n -- $body)
+            echo "    $name: no -h/--help handling and not in \$__help_exempt"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+    end
+
+    # Guard against a stale exempt list: every exempt name must still be a
+    # published function. Catches renames and deletions.
+    for e in $__help_exempt
+        if not contains -- $e $published
+            echo "    \$__help_exempt lists '$e', which is no longer published"
+            set failed 1
+        end
+    end
+
+    test $failed -eq 0
+end
+
+section "help: renderer"
+check "full render: headings, indentation, multi-paragraph description" true (test_help_renderer; and echo true; or echo false)
+
+section "help: renderer degrades safely"
+check "headerless/malformed functions still print and exit 0" true (test_help_renderer_degrades_safely; and echo true; or echo false)
+
+section "help: destructive paths"
+check "eight functions never execute their destructive path on --help" true (test_help_never_executes_destructive_path; and echo true; or echo false)
+
+section "help: coverage"
+check "every user-facing function has --help or is exempt" true (test_every_user_facing_function_has_help; and echo true; or echo false)
+
+report